Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
