nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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