Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
