I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
