her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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