if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
