Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Two words: blizzard sex
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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