Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
