I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
