my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
