I looked at my own cervix.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
