I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
