How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
