I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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