Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
