The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
