I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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