i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
