i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
