I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize