Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
