Your mouth is God's brothel.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
