So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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