it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
