All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
