Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
