if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
