She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
