my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
