Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
