The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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