eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
did i walk over a car last night?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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