"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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