Princesses don't give blow jobs
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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