i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
