i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
