Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
