The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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