I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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