If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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