MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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