I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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