There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
