Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
