I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
