i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
