I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I party with great urgency now.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
