U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
