I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
