Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
