I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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